5 PEOPLE YOU SHOULD NOT BE AFRAID TO CONFRONT

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Arguments have been a vivid part of humanity since the beginning of the world. Dispute is a common thing among individuals, families, countries etc. This post is not going talk about wars, and using nuclear devices as a form of making a point to an opposition. It’s about how to get along with the people in our lives.

For most introverted people confrontation can be a nightmare, they believe that confronting people puts them in a bad position and makes them look stupid or weak as they might not win the debate or argument.

Here is a list of five people you should not be afraid to confront, when the need arises

THE BULLY

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Even bullies have been bullied at one time or the other, the thing with bullies is these are people who intentionally want you to be afraid of them, some of them might get physical and hit you (you should tell someone or an authority if someone abuses you physically) but the key to overcoming a bully is to confront them despite the fact that they may be bigger or more vocal than you. If you cower when they maltreat you it only makes it worse. If you need help overcoming a bully, get help irrespective of what people around you are saying.

 Having attended a boarding school I have seen bullying in different forms anybody can be a bully you classmate, seniors even a teacher can be a bully. Back in school we had a tradition that if a senior student bullies you and you report to any school authority it means you were weak, well guess what? A senior tried to make my life miserable in school, at first I wouldn’t report because I didn’t want to look weak but with the encouragement of my friends I spoke up and reported to my hostel mistress and the senior was called to order, of course several people mocked me but  I had peace of mind and was able to face my education. Whether you are a house wife facing domestic violence or a student being beaten up in school, no one has the right to turn you into a punching bag. You need to speak up.

THE OVERBEARING PARENT

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As an individual your parents are one of the most respected people in your life but your desire not to offend them might be ruining yours. Some parents want to dictate every single move of your life, now this is for people who are over 18, once you clock the legal age parents should reduce their grip on the reins of parenthood and allow their children make decisions for themselves. It is not easy to openly say no to your parents especially if you come from a traditional African home without fear of being disowned by them. But at some point you need to establish some boundaries.

If a country thinks an individual is old enough to vote a president into office, then parents should be able to allow their children make their own choices, a man at thirty should not be having sleepless nights over who he wants to marry because his parents object to it, if they feel his choice is not good enough they should make their objections known and if he still insist on marrying the person they should let him be.  If as a husband your mother comes to your house and critics virtually everything your wife does, you need to confront her and let her know she is crossing a boundary. Fathers could be overbearing too especially a father-in-law who probably feels no one is good enough for his baby girl.

The Friend

We all have that friend we admire a lot, for an introvert they tiptoe around their friends, they cannot tell their friends the truth and if offended they keep it inside. The thing with friendship is even if you are friends with the perfect human being (shares the same interest as you, believes in the same things as you) at some point you would disagree on something, this is just basic humanity. If a friend does something that hurts your feelings you need to tell them and if they are the defensive type confront them and make a stand. If someone truly wants to be your friend irrespective of what you say to them as far as your intentions are good they will remain friends with you.

THE INTIMIDATING BOSS

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If your boss is an egotistic, happiness sucking individual, possibly a sociopath, one who derives pleasure in seeing you suffer. Be it sexual harassment or verbal abuse if your boss maltreats you need to speak up in the end if they are not irrational individuals they will have great respect for you because they know you are not a push over. The downside of it is you might need to get a new job.

THE NAGGING WIFE OR HUSBAND

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Pain is an evolutionary tool, it teaches us what to avoid in order to  be safe and improve, with intimate relationships pain that comes with having arguments (not at all times) is necessary as it teaches us what our partner does not like and helps us make adjustments to meet their needs.  But some people are in parasitic relationships where they have no voice the husband or wife is alpha and omega, does no wrong and takes offence a lot. Well if you are in such a relationship instead of keeping silent, speak up and tell your partner how you feel, if you don’t you will feel misery and possibly depressed.

Steps to successfully confront someone

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  • Emotions are very powerfully especially anger, before confronting someone evaluate what you are feeling at that moment.
  • If you are angry, allow your anger to subside before you confront the person. This gives you a clear logical mindset to evaluate your reaction and the person’s reaction to you.
  • Decide on the things you want to say and how you will say it.
  • Remember confrontation is not about putting the other person down or insulting the other person. So choice your words deliberately and wisely.
  • Bear in mind that the person you are confronting might get defensive, so be prepared to stand your ground.

Confrontations help to create healthy boundaries in relationships and it improves your decision making abilities because you can stand up for your-self and others around you.Some of the greatest heroes in the world had to confront people who unfairly treated others not through violence but through dialogue and in most cases they won.

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Gender Inequality or Equality ?

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Is it really a man’s world? is gender equality really possible ? For years now gender inequality has been a sensitive issue, societies differ in their approach to this gift that never stops giving. For me i believe gender equality is really not achievable as we live in different societies, have different cultures and religions. These things affect gender equality. But we must remember that all humans are equal and should be given the same rights and privileges irrespective of their gender.

THINGS THAT ADVERSELY AFFECTS GENDER EQUALITY

CULTURE

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The culture of a tribe or people determines where women are placed and whether  they would have the same opportunities as men. Culture varies from one geographical area to another, what is acceptable in one culture might be forbidden in another, in England and most part of Europe women have been known to be monarchs and hold powerful positions in their society while in most parts of Africa and Asia women take on lesser roles and are rarely seen as rulers in their society.

RELIGION

There are diverse kinds of religions in the world, many of these religions set expectations and standards of behavior for both men and women. Some religions believe women should only be seen and not heard, women are not allowed to partake in certain religious activities and this configures how the followers of this religion view the women in their society.

SOCIETY

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Society is defined by culture, religion and people, I say people because a general consensus of what is good or bad by the people that make up a society plays a huge role in the structure of that society.Society defines gender roles and the way men and women perceive each other, for example a man  has a female boss, let’s say for some reason she is displeased with his work and she queries him and tries to straighten him out but he is furious with her and goes like ‘ How can a woman be talking to me like that’ she is not even up to my wife at home, or the man might not be married but still feel his ego was bruised.

He needs to realize that we are in an era where a lot of women are educated so expect more female bosses. But somehow he forgets she doesn’t have that job because of her gender but because she is qualified to fill that position.

Women are said to be sensitive while men are shallow when it comes to emotions, this emotional variance between men and women is actually because of the way our minds and behaviors have been conditioned by our culture, religion and society. If you condition a woman’s mind (by telling her women are not supposed to show emotions) and condition a man’s mind (by telling him its ok for men to be emotional) you will get the same result, women will be shallow when it comes to emotions and men will be sensitive.

EDUCATION

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In recent times several of the sciences have received a great influx of women into their programs espeacily areas like medicne and engineering, as opposed to the past where women were not educated at all or were  limited to social science courses (i have no prejudice for social scienc courses are great for both men and women), literature , teaching and Nursing. Today barriers have been broken and there are thousands of male nurses accross the globe, men are now better cooks than women (chefs) they make fine hair stylist and fashion designers.

PAY GRADE

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It has been pointed out over time especially in large corporations that women who do the same jobs as their male counterparts get paid less. And even women with higher educational qualifications do not get as much promotions or pay raise as some of their male co-workers with even less educational qualifications.

I don’t believe in gender equality, men and women are different in many ways, rather I believe all humans are equal be it male or female. Gender equality should be approached from this perspective to avoid manipulations on  either part of the sexes.When you see the other sex as a person who has equal rights to you, you would not see the person as lesser or superior to you. Some of us allow our culture to erode our minds; we begin to practice our culture in larger society.

When it comes to gender inequality there are double standards such as

  • When a man cheats or has numerous sexual partners he is often praised by society and called a Casanova or ladies’ man but if a woman were to do the same she is called a slut.
  • In terms of intimate partner violence (Domestic violence) when a woman beats her husband it doesn’t get as much attention as when a man beats his wife.

In conclusion gender equality is a personal responsibility, decide today that you want to treat every human you come across the same way, and you would treat your children and encourage them to strive for the best irrespective of their sex. See everyone as deserving of respect irrespective of their sex, position, religion, culture or social status.

What is your take on gender inequality, please leave a comment.

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Making The most of Your Time

 

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If there is anything that always seems insufficient it is time, most people can’t seem to manage time effectively especially when they have to juggle a lot of responsibilities. In my earlier post on time management (Are you running out of Time?) I talked about the importance of time management and major things that distract us from doing what is most important to us, some of which are watching too much television, the social media, tech world (Gadgets) etc. In this post I describe five ways to manage your time effectively despite these distractions.

Define what is most important to you
From your personal life to your professional life some things matter more than others, being aware of this helps you decide what needs attention the most. we live different lives, do different kinds of job and also have different capacities,as such every individual is not the same.

So your approach to time management might be different from the next individual, if you are a social media influencer or advertiser naturally you would need to spend a lot of time on social networks. The distractions I mentioned in my previous post on time management are not to criticize any group of people but to point out common distractions that are popular with this era. If spending time with your family is more important to you, you would have to create more time for your family. Deciding what is most important at a particular time helps you focus on more important activities while still having time to enjoy less important things.

Prioritize activities:
Line up your activities whether personal or professional according to their priority. This helps you to organize what needs to be done at a particular time and the time frame you have to achieve your goal. If you have an upcoming project with a deadline or you have an exam coming up and have to study for it, prioritizing these activities keeps your mind focused on them and helps you allocate more time to doing them. For some people it could be learning a new sport or spending more time with family and friends.

Start early:
The early bird gets the worm, if you have trouble managing time and you have a deadline for let’s say a contract, start your work as soon as you get it, this would prevent you from being under pressure when the deadline comes, remember in school when you were given an assignment with let’s say a one month submission time and everyone would just postpone doing the assignment to a week or a few days to submission date, and on the day of submission some people will just be doing the assignment despite the one month duration. Notice something that most time you end up doing a less productive work than you would have done had you take your time. Or you might just copy from a friend and end up not doing the work by yourself.

Break down your activities into pockets of Time
So as not to overwhelm yourself it is better to break down your work into smaller achievable pieces or fragments. Not everyone can juggle so many projects or activities at once this could lead to confusion and leave you frustrated, you might end up not paying attention to anything you were supposed to do.

Any time I have a lot of work to do with very little time frame I become overwhelmed and just decide to ignore my assignments till the deadline is close by. But I noticed if I just take the assignments and break them into fragments I am more likely to finish on time. For example I have an assignment to write on a disease condition, I could start by just defining the disease condition and take a break then I would pick another time to write on signs and symptoms and as I make progress I am more confident and would finish before the day of submission.

Create time for things you like to do aside work.
We are supposed to enjoy life and use the things around us especially entertainment whether its watching TV and movies, sports, going out with friends or surfing the internet. Create specific time you can enjoy this activities without them interfering with work, school or spending quality time with you family. Time management is not an obsessive behavior it’s just choosing to do the right things at the right time.

If you want to learn more about time management and procrastination, I recommend Time management by Marc Macini, it’s a practical guide to managing time both in your personal life and profession. I hope this post was enlightening for you please feel free to leave a comment.
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What would you do if you weren’t Afraid?

 

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 I used to be so afraid of so many things, but i was especially afraid of making a fool out of myself when trying something new and being ridiculed in public for not getting something right. In school i never looked forward to class presentations because it came with a lot of anxiety for me. I was practically petrified of public speaking. When it was my turn to present, i will stutter all through the presentation even if I had mastered the topic, I was always filled with self-loathing after each presentation.

There I was, facing a class of less than 50 students with a lecturer who I know, isn’t going to bite me yet I was still afraid. I admired other colleagues who were saying rubbish or had not mastered the presentation but still presented with an air of confidence even if the lecturer criticized everything they said.

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”Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold”. Helen Keller

 Fear is limiting, it’s the parasite that sucks out all the good thoughts in your life like a dementor from the harry porter series, fear keeps us from thinking about positive outcomes but only thinking about what could go wrong with that new idea you have, the project you want to start , the rejection you might get if you audition for that role you want or any role at all. Fear makes us stick to only what we think we are good at and turn a blind eye to other promising areas of our lives.

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”Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic”. Unknown

 You want to be a writer but you are afraid of not getting you book published or it not  being a commercial success , you want to be a motivational speaker but you are afraid of facing a crowd for fear that you might say something wrong or that you would be no good at it.

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“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us’’. mariannewilliamson

But sincerely if we don’t step out of our comfort zones, we may never find out if we could become what we desire most to be. Don’t let fear stop you. Believing in you self and letting go of your fear is  like a journey ,it doesn’t promise to be all rosy but it’s better than staying in one place petrified of your fear without facing it. Self-discovery and self-confidence have helped me let go of my fears and take baby steps into embracing things I didn’t feel capable of doing in the past.

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In my previous post I talked about five practical principles for overcoming fear. Am on a journey towards self-awareness, self-love and finding inner peace, I invite you to take this journey with me on my blog. Till my next post I leave you with this, Fear is a feeling not a reality and like a wise man once said ”Behind your feelings is nothing but behind every principle is a promise”.

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